Damn You, Autocorrect! Read online

  Cure for the Common Cold

  Bad Kissers

  Surprise!

  Nighty Night

  So Romantic

  Living Together

  I Love You THIS MUCH

  The New Guy

  Chapter 3

  What’s Cookin’:

  Autocorrected Food & Beverage Texts

  Don’t Touch the Bowl!

  Special Dinner

  Anniversary Meal

  Bomb Squad

  Trader Joe’s

  Mom Loves Mexican

  Rosemary and Rhyme

  Dinner at the Office

  Eating Out

  Yum-O

  Snack Time!

  Italian Food

  Romantic Dinner

  Swine

  No Means No, Gary!

  Odd Donut Shop Order

  Lunch Invite

  In Treatment

  Empty Fridge

  Ahoy, Matey

  Other Plans

  Edible Filipinos

  Snap, Crackle, WTF?

  General Tso

  Shopping List

  New Food Group

  Snack Time

  Mom’s Hungry

  Dinner for One

  Deadly Dinner

  How to Cook Lentils

  No Soup for You

  If You Say So . . .

  Rain Check

  Grandpa Sold His Soul for Lunch

  New Side Dish Sweeping the Nation

  Chapter 4

  Freudian Slips:

  When Autocorrect Reads Your Mind

  Weekend Cookout

  Intriguing Offer

  Weekend Plans

  Big Boned

  Evening Entertainment

  Boob Tube

  Game Night

  Asking a Favor

  Such a Hassle

  Dirty Mind

  Well, That’s Awkward

  New Airport Wing

  Planning the Evening

  Quick Stop

  Sounds Really Cold

  Working Up a Thirst

  Spring Break

  Can I See Some ID?

  OWN Network

  Bromance

  Wasting the Day

  So Much Confusion

  Dinner at 5

  Rachael’s Party

  Matthew’s Girlfriend

  Crash and Burn

  Beware of Santa

  Two Hours

  Welcome to the Neighborhood

  Photo Shoot

  The Holidays

  Remedy for a Sore Throat

  Interesting Turn of Events

  Open Schedule

  Movie Night

  Can You Sense It?

  Thanks for Sharing

  Take Your Time

  Reminders

  Dangers of Kickboxing

  Chapter 5

  Say What?!:

  Totally Random Autocorrect Incidents

  Shabaka!

  Dinosaur Infection

  Dancing Queen

  Let’s Talk About Plants, Baby

  Sounds Serious

  Bring Your Bunsen Burner

  Greeting Fail

  What Do Bearded Vultures Have to Do with It?!

  Zionism

  Coach Rockne

  Periodic Table of WTF

  Mom’s Present

  Fuzzy Flowers

  BADONKADONK!

  French Armchairs

  Seriously, Phone?

  Don’t Be a Joe Bagel

  Sounds Kinda Far

  Long-Legged Wading Birds

  Pizza Toppings

  Yellow Flowering Plants

  Noisy & Outspoken

  Autobiography

  Baby, It’s Cold Outside

  Cool Feature

  Traffic Update

  Coffee Run

  Random Russian Head Coverings

  Yessssssssssss!

  Is There a Firefighter in the House?

  “Is That Really a Word?!”

  A Family of Influence During the Bengal Renaissance (DUH!)

  Out of Nowhere

  New Year’s Eve

  Sisterly Bonding

  Stephen Hawking, Is That You?

  Chapter 6

  Textin’ 9 to 5:

  Autocorrected on the Clock

  Lawyer Fail

  Mondays Are Rough

  Rise and Shine

  That’s a Bad Day

  Lunch Run—and Then Some

  Office Party

  Sounds from Another Cubicle

  Work Retreat

  Anger Management

  Getting (a)Head in the Workplace

  Important Meeting

  Tough Commute

  Is That Harassment?

  Before the Meeting

  Long Lunch

  Helping Hand

  Considerate Coworkers

  Hey, Whatever Pays the Bills

  Office Supply Cabinet

  Calling Out

  Favors

  New Position

  Extra Hours

  Time for a Raise

  Lost Promotion

  Stimulating Job

  Working from Home

  Interesting Day at Work

  Hooking Up the New Monitor

  Sounds Dangerous

  Somebody Call Tech Support

  Day Off

  Slow Day

  Workin’ Day and Night

  . . . The Herb?

  Early Morning Issues

  Servers Down

  Chapter 7

  With Friends Like These:

  When Friends Let Friends Get Autocorrected

  Creepy Birthday Present

  Dogsitting

  What’s That Smell?

  Christmas Gifts

  Fitness Regime

  Hey, Whatever Works

  Pics or It Didn’t Happen!

  Christmas Music

  Concert

  Somebody Stage an Intervention

  That Time of the Month

  Very Presidential

  Running Errands

  Somebody Call DCS!

  They Make Toilets for That, You Know

  Accidental Insult

  Trendy New Paint Color

  Great Seats

  The Old Adage

  Magical School

  Housekeeping

  Clothing Options

  What’s That Smell?

  Insomnia

  Uh, Get Well Soon?

  All in the Family

  Pampering

  Great Story, Bro

  New Baby

  The Wizard of Autocorrect

  Never Show Up Empty-Handed

  Adopting a Dog

  House Hunting

  Sounds Painful

  Send Help!

  Are Congratulations in Order?

  Dropping Hints

  Dad’s Christmas Present

  Happy for You

  Bah, Humbug!

  Lather, Rinse, Repeat

  Sounds Like a Great Party

  On the Road Again

  Decorations

  Day Off

  Moving Day

  Road Rage

  Memorable Pics of Dad

  Shhh...

  Movie Snacks

  Ribbit, Ribbit

  Beware of Samantha’s Boyfriend

  Wal-Marts

  Whoops

  Thanks, I Think

  Tragic Christmas

  Get in the Zone

  Higher Learning

  Get Some Sleep

  Out with the Boys

  How Festive

  New Puppy

  Bikes from Santa

  Afterword

  TURNING OFF AUTOCORRECT (NOT THAT YOU’D WANT TO!)

  So what if you want to avoid the unfortunate fates of the texters in the book? Is there a way to turn Autocorrect off?

  Yes, there is! It’s an optional feature that you can elect to shut off at any time.

  If you have an iPhone or iPod Tou
ch, tap the Settings icon, then navigate to the General > Keyboard menu. If you have a Droid, go to Menu > Settings > Language & Keyboard > Device Keyboard, and uncheck Auto-replace. If all else fails, refer to the documentation that came with your device for exact directions. That said, why would you want to miss out on all the accidental hilarity! Leave it on! Just remember to proofread before you send something really bad . . . because we’ll be watching!

  And if you have any great texting fails, feel free to send them my way!

  Find DYAC on the web: http://damnyouautocorrect.com

  Submission terms and conditions: http://damnyouautocorrect.com/submission-terms-and-conditions/

  Twitter: http://twitter.com/damnyouac

  E-mail: [email protected]

  About the Author

  Jillian Madison is the founder of the Pophangover network, a collection of twelve snarky pop-culture blogs. The sites are visited by tens of millions of people every month, and her content is frequently retweeted by celebrities and referenced by media giants like The Huffington Post, Gawker, and Funny or Die. She lives in coastal Connecticut.

  www.damnyouautocorrect.com

  Copyright

  Copyright © 2011 Jill Smith

  All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher. For information address Hyperion, 114 Fifth Avenue, New York, New York 10011.

  Original Print Edition ISBN: 978-1-4013-1067-7

  EPub Edition © 2011 ISBN: 9781401303884

  Hyperion books are available for special promotions and premiums. For details contact the HarperCollins Special Markets Department in the New York office at 212-207-7528, fax 212-207-7222, or email [email protected]

  Cover design by Chica Graphics

  First eBook Edition

  Original trade paperback edition printed in the United States of America

  www.HyperionBooks.com

  Table of Contents

  Dedications

  Introduction

  Chapter 1 - Parents Just Don’t Understand: Awkward Texts with Mom & Dad

  Chapter 2 - Love Gone Wrong: When Couples Text

  Chapter 3 - What’s Cookin’: Autocorrected Food & Beverage Texts

  Chapter 4 - Freudian Slips: When Autocorrect Reads Your Mind

  Chapter 5 - Say What?!: Totally Random Autocorrect Incidents

  Chapter 6 - Textin’ 9 to 5: Autocorrected on the Clock

  Chapter 7 - With Friends Like These: When Friends Let Friends Get Autocorrected

  Afterword

  About the Author

  Copyright