Damn You, Autocorrect! Read online

  Dedications

  To Mom & Dad.

  Thank you for not owning smartphones, and for only mildly freaking out when I shunned corporate life to “work on the internets.”

  To Michelle.

  Get ready, because tonight, we’re goin’ TOMCAT.

  To Brie.

  My best friend, and the most amazing woodchuck you will ever meet. I meant woman! Damn you, Autocorrect!

  And to everyone who contributed to the website and this book.

  Thank you for not proofreading before hitting send.

  Text on, motherduckers!

  Contents

  Dedications

  Introduction

  Chapter 1 - Parents Just Don’t Understand: Awkward Texts with Mom & Dad

  Chapter 2 - Love Gone Wrong: When Couples Text

  Chapter 3 - What’s Cookin’: Autocorrected Food & Beverage Texts

  Chapter 4 - Freudian Slips: When Autocorrect Reads Your Mind

  Chapter 5 - Say What?!: Totally Random Autocorrect Incidents

  Chapter 6 - Textin’ 9 to 5: Autocorrected on the Clock

  Chapter 7 - With Friends Like These: When Friends Let Friends Get Autocorrected

  Afterword

  About the Author

  Copyright

  Introduction

  “DAMN YOU, AUTOCORRECT!”

  If you own a smartphone, there’s a good chance you’ve screamed that phrase at least once. Maybe you sent a text to your spouse that you “f’d the dog” (fed) or fired off a note to a co-worker about your “bad case of the manboobs” (Mondays). Either way, Autocorrect was likely the culprit.

  While the feature on our mobile devices can be a blessing, it’s also often a curse. It frequently changes words without rhyme or reason, and if you hit “send” too quickly, it can lead to some funny, confusing, or just plain embarrassing results. I found that out the hard way in the summer of 2010 when I innocently tried to invite a few friends over for an evening of gelato. My iPhone’s Autocorrect, however, had another idea and asked them over for a night of “fellatio.” And just like that, Autocorrect turned me into a hussy. What would my mother say!

  Shortly after the gelato/fellatio incident, I started wondering if other people out there were having similar experiences with their smartphones. So I purchased the www.damnyouautocorrect.com domain, set up the site on a whim, and added about fifteen Autocorrect incidents involving myself and my friends. I could never have anticipated the public’s reaction. As it turned out, there were millions of people who were just as frustrated by Autocorrect as I was.

  By the end of its first week online, DamnYouAutoCorrect.com earned write-ups on ABC, CNN, Gizmodo, Mashable, The Huffington Post, and in dozens of other national media outlets. It went viral on Twitter and Facebook and, literally overnight, found itself getting over 1 million page views and five hundred submissions per day from people all over the globe. Those numbers have been steadily increasing every week.

  I think DamnYouAutocorrect.com immediately struck a chord because people of every age can relate to it. These days, everyone texts, and the content highlights situations we’ve all been in ourselves. And even if we haven’t, it’s just human nature to enjoy voyeuristically peering in on the hilarious—and often cringe-worthy—text fails our peers have experienced.

  And there have been some real doozies. This book is packed with three hundred hilarious images—most of which are found for the first time here—that highlight the unintentional hilarity that often ensues when Autocorrect goes wrong. These laugh-out-loud funny examples include:

  • Co-workers talking about their “ejaculation” reports (escalation);

  • A husband texting his wife that he “laid” the babysitter (paid);

  • A cook warning someone not to touch a bowl of “masturbating” cherries (macerating);

  • And of course, friends complaining about how much they hate the dreaded “auto erection” feature on their smartphone.

  And then there’s the most popular image on the DamnYouAutoCorrect.com website to date: a father texting his daughter that he and his mother were going to divorce, when they were in fact just going to Disney. Oops! I’ll take “texts I wouldn’t want to receive” for $200 please, Alex.

  BUT WHAT IS AUTOCORRECT, ANYWAY?

  Autocorrect is a software function—commonly found on many smartphones and portable web-ready devices like the iPod Touch—that attempts to correct common typos on the fly by guessing the word you were really trying to write. In theory, Autocorrect’s ultimate goal is to save time by automating spell check functions and offering predictions, often before you’ve even finished typing the entire word. But is this feature really improving our modern, super-connected lives?

  We move fast, talk fast, and type fast, and there’s no denying Autocorrect can be a huge help in certain circumstances. It often works as the silent hero in the background, making otherwise illegible sentences like “Ehag timr is yge mewtigg” show up properly as: “What time is the meeting?”

  But not so fast! Unlike Jennifer Aniston’s hair, Autocorrect isn’t always perfect. It has a sinister side too—one that steps in and inserts completely inappropriate words that can make you look like an idiot, a creep, or (gasp!) a total pervert. The iPhone, for example, frequently autocorrects “Whitehouse” to “whorehouse” and “homie” to “homoerotic.” If you hit “send” without carefully proofreading, the conversation will certainly take an interesting turn. And so might your evening.

  OKAY, SO HOW DOES AUTOCORRECT WORK?

  As it stands right now, it’s almost impossible to find information about exactly how the elusive Autocorrect feature works. It’s a closely guarded trade secret among the mobile phone companies and software developers, and most of them are incredibly tight-lipped when it comes to discussing it.

  What we do know is that when you start typing a word, the Autocorrect software checks those letters against a built-in dictionary. If it doesn’t find an exact match, it guesses what you were trying to type and offers that word up as a suggestion. Many smart phones also have some sort of “learning” element as well, meaning they add new words and terms to the dictionary based on the user’s behaviors and patterns of use. As a result, after a period of acclimation, no two Autocorrect dictionaries may ever be alike. That means if you’re frequently using words like “anal” or “vagina,” there may be an increased risk of your Autocorrect, uh, slipping those words in during future conversations. Sexters, beware!

  HOW CAN THINGS GO SO WRONG?

  Autocorrect seemingly has a mind of its own—and as you’ll see in this book, often a hilariously dirty one. The real trouble comes when you hit “send” without realizing the word you thought you typed was swapped out for something else. For me, there are two fundamental problems with the way the feature works on the device:

  First, when you’re typing, you’re instinctively looking down at the keypad. The autocorrected suggestions, however, show up in the message area, making them incredibly easy to miss if you’re typing quickly and not paying close attention. Second, when typing, all you have to do to accept the word suggestion is tap the space bar. That’s it! The only way to get rid of the Autocorrect suggestion is to keep typing more letters, or to hit the little “x” next to the suggested word in the bubble. That’s just not intuitive at all. Often, you think you’re ignoring the word suggestion by just hitting “space” and continuing to type your message. But you’ve done just the opposite. The rest, as they say, is history. You’ve just been “Autocorrected,” my friend!

  HOLY MOLYBDENUM! THAT’S TOTALLY HOOSEGOW!

  DamnYouAutoCorrect.com receives about six hundred new submissions per day from the website and the iPhone/iPod Touch app
, and I read every one of them myself to determine if they’re website-worthy (hey, it’s a hilarious job, but somebody’s gotta do it). I’ve noticed several trends by doing all that reading, one of which is the relatively new “extra letters” phenomenon, in which the more you repeat the letter, the more strongly you mean it. For example, people frequently write the phrase: “let’s gooooooooooooo!” Autocorrect dictionaries have no clue how to handle all those extra letters, and on the iPhone, it’s often autocorrected to “let’s hookup” or “let’s hippopotamus”—either one of which might be incredibly embarrassing, especially if you’re talking to a relative or a zookeeper. But that’s a topic for another book.

  Smartphones also love to insert nonsensical, totally random words that have absolutely nothing to do with what you’re talking about. Did someone say something funny? Be careful when replying back with “hahahaha,” because it’s often autocorrected to “Shabaka”—an Egyptian pharaoh back in 700 BC. The word “hilarious” often gets autocorrected to “hoosegow”—a slang term for a prison. And for all my science geeks in the house (holler!), try typing “holy moly” into your phone. On my device, I end up with “holy molybdenum,” the chemical element with the atomic number 42. But I’m sure you already knew that.

  Science not your thing? Are you more of a sports buff? Just make sure you double-check your messages before you hit “send” on your iPhone, or you might find yourself talking about Derek Heterosexual (Jeter), Juan Urine (Uribe), or the great play you just saw the Boners (Niners) complete. Take my word for it—your friends will never let you live it down.

  Many devices really seem to struggle with pop culture references too. For example, I use Twitter all the time, and no matter how many times I hit that little “x” to dismiss the suggested word, my iPhone tries to change the word “tweeting” (the process of sending Twitter messages) to “teething” and the word “retweet” to “retarded.” Try explaining that one to your unsuspecting friends and followers.

  Based on my observations with Autocorrect and the submissions sent into DamnYouAutoCorrect.com, these are the top twenty-five most common Autocorrect mishaps:

  Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Hell

  Autocorrected to: He’ll

  Word / phrase you’re trying to write: A sec

  Autocorrected to: Asexual or a sex

  Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Awwwww

  Autocorrected to: Sewers

  Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Thing

  Autocorrected to: Thong

  Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Bitch

  Autocorrected to: Birch

  Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Give me a call

  Autocorrected to: Give me anal

  Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Oooohhh

  Autocorrected to: Pooping

  Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Grrr

  Autocorrected to: Ferret

  Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Whenever

  Autocorrected to: Wieners

  Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Pick me up

  Autocorrected to: Oil me up

  Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Keys

  Autocorrected to: Jews

  Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Shit

  Autocorrected to: Shot

  Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Coworkers

  Autocorrected to: Visigoths or Coriander

  Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Goooooo

  Autocorrected to: Hookup

  Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Fucking

  Autocorrected to: Ducking

  Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Hahahaha

  Autocorrected to: Shabaka

  Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Homie

  Autocorrected to: Homoerotic

  Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Sodium

  Autocorrected to: Sodomy

  Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Mani/Pedi

  Autocorrected to: Mani/Penis

  Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Pen

  Autocorrected to: Penis

  Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Yesyes

  Autocorrected to: Testes

  Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Soonish

  Autocorrected to: Zionism

  Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Netflix

  Autocorrected to: Negroid

  Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Kids

  Autocorrected to: LSD

  Word / phrase you’re trying to write: Parents

  Autocorrected to: Parrots

  Another thing that drives people “ducking” nuts about the iPhone—and a trend you may have noticed in the above list—is its almost comical aversion to swearing. It hates curse words, and does everything in its “ducking” power to prevent you from using them. It even goes so far as to insert an apostrophe in the word HELL (HE’LL), which obviously makes the word take on an entirely different meaning. Its desire to keep things PG-13 is often infuriating, because let’s face it: Sometimes you just need to call someone a fucking asshole.

  So now that you know what Autocorrect is and how it works, you’re ready to get to the submissions. Just remember: If you don’t want to end up like one of the poor motherduckers in this book, type carefully and proofread your messages . . . or you too might one day find yourself screaming: “DAMN YOU, AUTOCORRECT!”

  Peace out, homoerotic! And if you don’t like this book, you can go to he’ll! Shabaka!

  Chapter 1

  Parents Just Don’t Understand:

  Awkward Texts with Mom & Dad

  The Big “D”

  Mom’s Office Fight

  Do Ducks Have Jackets?

  Scaring Mom

  Hot for Teacher

  Way TMI for Dad

  Girls’ Night

  Happy Birthday, Mom

  Messages from Beyond

  Shopping for Dad

  Thanks, Mum!

  Technology

  Dinner Options

  We’ve All Been There

  Where’s Dad?

  Our Little Secret

  Chores

  Accidental Insult

  Finals Week

  Chew on This

  Robot Invasion

  Under the Weather

  Thanksgiving Prep Work

  Day at the Salon

  Babysitter Needed

  Is Mom Okay?

  Arts & Crafts

  Time Off

  Waiting for Mom

  Return to Sender

  Ready, Freddie

  Dad’s Wish List

  Duck Hunting

  Checking In

  Gee, Thanks

  Very Dirty Harry

  A Simple Request

  House Sitting

  Job Options

  Ho-Ho-Horrible

  Dinner Plans

  In for a Visit

  When Dads Shop...

  Fourth of July

  Jeez, Mom!

  Congrats—Love Dad

  Fourth Time’s the Charm

  Yellow Pages

  Christmas Presents

  Chapter 2

  Love Gone Wrong:

  When Couples Text

  Autocorrect & Relationship Advice Don’t Mix

  Autocorrected Break-up

  Bad Girl

  Arguing Over Text

  Sexting Gone Wrong

  Terms of Endearment

  Crybaby

  A Night Apart

  The Babysitter

  Now THAT’S Love

  Secret’s Out

  Date Night

  A Night In

  Hidden Desires

  Do I Need to Be Worried?

  The Crush

  Drunk Dialing

  The Mall & More

  Bedtime Wishes

  Grocery Shopping

  A New Measure of Time

  Backhanded Compliment